HOW TO: Fill up a swimming pool

Yes folks, may I present another episode in my very popular and informative series named…

“How To:”

Step 1: Find yourself an empty swimming pool in Spain, has to be Spain because they don’t rush things…

Step 2: Switch on the taps, starting with the deep end first, but keep water levels low, so:


Step 3: Switch off the taps and leave overnight to settle. That way any cracks that appear are obvious. And you won’t require a diving suit to fill them in with underwater Superglue. Wading about a bit with a Mastic gun and a prayer will suffice.

Step 4:  (Day 2). If all goes well, switch the taps back on, keep an eye on things though. 17 stories up is a good place to be, just in case there’s a breach…


If nothing’s gone wrong by tea time, leave the water running in overnight.

Step 5: (Day 3). Hoover it up with the robot, (I kid ye not), he eats leaves…


Step 6: (Day 4). Mid afternoon sometime it should be ready for line dancing aqua aerobics / synchronised swimming. In fact, thanks to the size and space, you could even have a game of water polo going on at the same time. Imagine how confusing that could get…?

For example: Aunty Betty’s stood there up to her boobs working on her chicken wings arms, the ball from the polo team goes astray and bounces off her nose. She falls over backwards straight into the middle of the (by now) highly unsynchronised swimming team.

End Result: The Paramedics dive in to stem Aunty Betty’s nose bleed, the Polo ball’s gone missing, and the pool is full of nose clips, earplugs, swimming caps… 

Full up now, complete with two waterfalls, ready for the melee mentioned above…


Oh, and this is the other pool to the right of the manic one,, cool, calm and serene. Well they had to have one that remains open even in winter? Thing is, nobody bothers taking the plunge (in winter) so it’s just there to look pretty. Think it needs a couple of weeks of 30 degrees on the trot, rather than just a mere 25 degrees to plunge in and cool off…


Tell you what I was knackered after 4 days of turning taps on and off.

Well that just about wraps things up nicely, nicked someone’s beach towel, so I must dash…

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