A wood assessment

Well I would if I could but I can’t…

The hotel wood inspector came here yesterday to assess the state of affairs with the front screen, which is actually at the back of the boat but never mind. It’s not a pretty sight right now. The lux con is ok, it just all has to join up to a new wood frame by the millimetre. Expert stuff…

Precise measurements were taken, must’ve been over a thousand million centimetres. Left / right / top / bottom. Then, in a separate assessment there’s all round TT’s even further back bit.

Yes, she’s having a wooden lumberjack lumbar replacement too. It’s in the lumbar area because it’s above her bum and nowhere near the water line. In out, in out, shake it all about – not a requirement.

Three different estimates will be submitted to us in the next couple of days. So we’ll wait and see about the cost of her plastic wooden surgery. Look out Katy Perry, you’ve not got a patch on this one hon. (Excuse cheeky pun). Oops, there goes another, a pun within a pun. On form today Heth.

However, there’s a difference between choice and necessity, so at least TT won’t lose her dignity. Total Respect to our floating princess…

Question: Have you ever thought about choosing to have plastic surgery?

Tits too big / too small for your liking?

Do those chicken wings have to go?

Bums and thighs gone down south? (Ask TT)

Floppy eyelids stapled up?


And la piece de resistance: The FULL Facelift, I can spot one a mile off. They either lose the wrinkles / warts / hairs (optional) and resemble a stapled rat.

Or lose the wrinkles etc and resemble a cat letting off a huge fart.

When a surgeon’s finished slicing and dicing, stood there tying a bandage into a top knot (holding everything together). There must be a moment when he thinks to himself, “What have I created this time? Will the end result turn out to be a cat or a rat?” Fascinating as Mr Spock would say.   

Which reminds me, I noticed a woman in Spain who’d had her whole face “done.” She looked like a Barbie doll with dark hair. Even worse, she was dressed like one and had a toy boy in tow. (Ken perhaps?) When I pointed her out to Dave, he reckoned she was a tranny. No offence, it was just an observation from a bloke’s point of view.

So there you go, give me wrinkles, potholes and hairy worts to look forward to. Me thinks I’ll just grow old gracefully, (Oil of Olay helps). Well at least there’ll still be a cheesy grin sat on my face…


I can’t be too glib about it though, because over the years I chose to have 3 different tattoos forever engraved on my skin. (Right ankle, left arm, right shoulder). They’re all very colourful and pretty though, so that’s body art. Dave’s got one too, on his arm. And believe me it bleeping hurts when they’re being done…!


Anyway, returning to the subject of surgical procedures for a moment. TT’s new back end will be revealed to all and sundry in the near future. And “after” photos will be posted, (once all the bandages have been removed and the bruising settles). Cats and rats will look on in awe…

I’ve forgotten the expert wood doctor’s name (should’ve written it down on my gift list).

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