Confusion in the city centre this morning…




Oh and look at that, there’s boats queuing up to get in too…


These are just a few promotional stills from the film I’m directing at the moment. It’s called “Planes, Boats and Automobiles.” First screening due out on April 1st 2015.

The storyline is based on one person’s commute to work in the UK, which takes up to 5 hours depending on the state of standing traffic. (Riveting stuff). Occasionally our hero can actually reach the mind blowing speed of 30mph on the motorway, till the next congestion zone.

Two hours into the film, the Sat Nav gets a sore throat trying to calculate alternate routes. There aren’t any options free of cars, and it gives up. Shame really, because so soon into the script the co-star falls silent and dies of being overly unhelpful. Yes, it’s enough to bring tears of relief to the eyes. 

Three hours into the film a pothole ruins the suspension of our hero’s car. So he finds a multi-story car park, abandons the car in the toilets, (only space available), and changes his mode of transport…


I’ve deliberately missed out any mention of speed bumps, because there’s enough content and excitement without them to cope with. However, whilst on the subject:

a) I think they’ve got the wrong name, it would make much more sense to call them “slow bumps.” The average “slow bump” in the UK is designed to potentially cause damage, whether you tip toe over them or not. As for those on a tight bend, try lining up straight first when there’s not enough room! Boing boing, boing boing. Stupid, too high.

b) News hidden from British drivers: They’ve got a much better design of “slow bumps” in Spain, one’s that can’t deliberately injure your car. (Or your bum). They have a nice gentle slope, thus / Then they remain FLAT above the road for roughly 35 feet, with a nice gentle slope back down to the road, thus \ Go up or down too fast and damage might be done in the process. But that would be the driver’s fault alone and it just doesn’t happen. “Slow bumps” there are much more car friendly. We’ve only seen a “back scrape” (complete with sparks) happen once – to avoid a collision on a main road. In general, the roads there are a lot safer, with a higher standard of maintenance and um, no potholes. How can Spain afford that? Well, there’s no extreme weather to wear tarmac down, or inflict such damage that it can’t be repaired due to lack of funds. Plus, ratio of traffic VS road size is correct, they’ve got the space…

c) More news hidden from British drivers and walkers: Zebra crossings for pedestrians are placed at either side of Spain’s “slow bumps.” So while each car goes over a long flat area of road with a dip at the end, it does so at crawling pace. People walking across (the crossing) are clearly visible by the driver well in advance. And the car is going so slow, there’s no room to speed up before the inevitable “down slope.” More often than not, even if a waiting pedestrian hasn’t stepped out, the driver will stop and wait. No big deal when you’re going that slow (without traffic congestion dictating).

Just two more sensible ideas from Spain, (and there’s plenty more of them), that are ignored here in the UK. They’re glaringly obvious in many respects when, as a Brit, you spend time there.

Sorry, but the facts have to be stated, and now there’s enough darn material here for a sequel about “slow bumps” alone.

Oh, and I bet you didn’t know the driving test in Spain is much more rigorous than in the UK, and it’s much less hassle to drive there…


Anyhow, I know you must be sat on the edge of your car seat just waiting to learn more about our hero and his escapades. But that’s all I can reveal at the moment because I’m stuck in a boat queue.

{Richard Castle would be proud, even without a murder scene}

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