Five things I can’t do

1) Knitting: I once tried knitting a scarf, (can’t go wrong with a scarf). Beg to differ, somewhere down the line of wool it transformed itself into a fishnet stocking. End of knitting career.

I remember one of my aunties could sit there and have a conversation while the needles clacked away, and she NEVER looked down. Fascinating to watch, one didn’t know if eye contact should be made with her, or the needles, or the emerging cardigan… 

2) Play a musical instrument: Three blind mice on a piano, and three blind mice on a recorder with a crack in it. How the heck I got into the school band when it sounded like a whistle, and I couldn’t read music is beyond belief. Just shows how crap everyone else was because nobody noticed. So the only embarrassment factor was the visible masking tape my dad strapped it back together with, and it still sounded like an old kettle…

3) Learn history: We might’ve had shiny new books that year but how many wives Henry the Eighth had, and which ones survived without having their head chopped off just didn’t appeal. Those of us who weren’t interested used to sit at the back and have a good laugh instead, which come to think of it was 99% of the class…

4) Watch TV reality shows: On the odd occasion, whilst flipping through channels a TV reality show invades the screen. Stunned into apathy “one” has to watch it for a few seconds, just to confirm it reality really is as totally pathetic as suspected.

Which begs the question: Do the adoring fans have such boring lives that they really think it’s entertainment? Or do they just waste time taking the piss out of ex celebs who (collectively) don’t own a brain cell to share? Which ties quite nicely into the fact that “prime ministers question time” once a week has to be the best of the worst. Let’s face it, all the participants have a much higher IQ level than the Z list. High enough for corruption and arrogance, yet stupid enough to behave like a bunch of clowns.

So we’ll call that one “Britain’s NOT got Talent.” Yes, most appropriate. Alternatively “Big Brother” and “The Voice” also work well for politicians, even without an extra word…         

5) And finally, La piss de resistance, I can’t cook: Yes, I could even make my own TV reality show out of it. Forget “Hell’s Kitchen” this would be “Heth’s Kitchen Corkers.” With a tasteful recipe of How To:

  • Blow up a microwave, starring a Christmas Pudding that’s past it’s sell by date.
  • Set a toaster on fire, starring a thicko crumpet.
  • Find worms in a piece of “Tesco Finest” fish.
  • Knit (???) spaghetti scarves.
  • Rescue chopsticks from the floor of a posh restaurant without being obvious about it. In fact there’s several ways to do that. One involves wearing a long skirt, and another is to use a stiletto heel to gently bazz them under the table next door.  
  • Boil an egg to be used as a rugby ball’s replacement.
  • Create chicken fillets to enhance chicken breasts.
  • Make a door stop out of rump steak.
  • Kill a recipe book: Leave it to stand in a warm cupboard for 10 years.

In next week’s exciting episode I’ll be down in the jungle hunting for vegetarian food. [Bashing creatures on the head to cook over an open fire is something else I can’t do] Besides I’d probably set my tent on fire…


PS: Dave’s the chef, what an expert he is and it’s all healthy stuff too. Even the Queen would have to do a curtsey if ever she came round for tea. Did you hear that Lizzy…?

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