Christmas Decorations of the Alternative Kind

Today was last minute chuck out day. Very uninteresting it was too. The amount of crap we found inside the only cupboard left to inspect and clear out was underwhelming. Double boring for me because it was all about MAN TOOLS. Oh dear, the space which has to be allocated for an ex aircraft engineer and his “parts” is unbelievable. NOTE: Thankfully there’s no actual aircraft “parts” to cater for too.

So moving along swiftly to Christmas festivities, amidst the exclusive “Bob the builder” accessories we also discovered a squashed bag full of decorations. The kind that only appear just before and after Santa clambers down the chimney pot. The last time we were here at Christmas was (wrack brain) 2012. So, safely wrapped in a bag or not. The weight of a hammer sat on top of them for almost two years tends to put the mockers on any dazzling finery they may once have held.

Has anyone ever scrutinised the devastating effects this can have on tinsel and glittery balls bells that used to be able to hang from windows? Not to mention the little house covered in fake snow that once had LED lights inside. It used to change colour at regular intervals, and if you were watching TV at the same time it was a truly eye watering experience.

Last but not least amidst the “fall out” was the Christmas tree angel, you know, the one that sits on top of the tree in glorious residence radiance? Well our little angel used to have a fastener thingy made out of a perfectly formed coil, which now resembles a knot of barbed wire.

We both took one look at the detritus and uttered “BIN FODDER” in unison. No need for a thorough inspection, or a biopsy courtesy of the local CSI team. (Christmas Service Inspectors). The cause of death was obvious.

Advice for anyone attempting to save decorations for next year without any potential of fatal interference: Store them in the freezer and at whatever preferred date in December, simply shove them in the microwave to defrost.

Have I been personally damaged by this experienced? Well if it includes laughing “one’s” ass off, then yes…

We adorned our house with “Tesco’s finest” tinsel, baubles and general bumf for years till the kids flew the nest. Now we’re two old farts together, it’s not a scrooge thing, it’s simply a couldn’t be assed thing.

In Spain, Christmas is all about outdoor family festivals, some seriously based on Christmas, but mostly not. (Just like here). However they have one big bonus, sod the baubles, they can toss the tinsel in the warmth…

Another thing to consider is that all the kids get to open their presents on Christmas Eve. In hindsight, it would’ve been ace to have that luxury rather than hanging on for another 24 hours.

Christmas day itself is the same as boxing day is here. Then a couple of days later is the “Three Kings Celebration” which goes on for about a week…

Well they certainly know how to do things in style there. We were spoilt last year with a Bon Jovi tribute band, a gorgeous meal, and a free bottle of quality Vino Blanco before the fireworks went off…

Little known fact: It has been mentioned in the archives of medieval history somewhere on here, (but I think that was New Years Eve). I got up and sang “Hotel California” in front of an international audience, and the lead guitarist of the rock band joined in. Well the background to that song is awesome anyway and with the extra addition of another guitarist on lead, it was double awesome. Yes, one of my unknown talents is the ability to sing rather than screech, (gets even better after a few drinks).

Standing ovation and hugs from everyone. Good job they never got to view my talent for decorating a Christmas tree with squashed accessories, no it ain’t going to happen…     

Feliz Navidad to you all. (Google it)

In September??? Blame that cupboard…

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