The Ferret Farce

There we were sat outside the front of the house in the shade, but we were not alone. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed something the size of a cat running about, except there are no cats round here. So what was this “thing?” On closer inspection it turned out to be a ferret… Was it tame? Was it wild? Might it bite?

We suspected that it might be tame, I mean ferrets like fresh water and aside from what gushes out of taps here, there isn’t much of it about. Well actually there is,, hundreds of miles of the stuff, but it’s salt water…

Cute as it was, it moved quick…


And had squeezed it’s way through the gates at the left hand side of the house…




Anyway none of us here could take the chance of “might bite,” we had to consider it was capable of doing so, and the French family next door had a truly fascinated child to think of. Ugh says she, Ugh says me. {So “Ugh” must be a universal word}

“Close the door!” Shouts Dave.

“Fermer la port!” We heard.

“Cierra la puerta!” We also heard.

So word had spread… But nobody else knew why…

Dave chased it from the front of the house and it just ran down onto the drive. Oh dear. “Get the hosepipe out” shouts me. Excellent idea, and after a considerable length of time playing at silly buggers, it got the full “not guided tour.” Then squeezed it’s way out through the other gates and into next door.

Now the French method was to use one of those long bendy floaty things designed to be used in a swimming pool. He sort of flicked it out of their garden, {immense skill involved} Dave also tried to create a protective line with the hosepipe, except:

a) The full jet of water wouldn’t reach that far.

b) The guy still got sprayed wet through, but never mind he was on a mission, and it must’ve been a very pleasant soaking for him indeed.

In fact I asked Dave to do the same for me, but he was in standby mode. Hosepipe firmly in place, ready for aim and fire if necessary.

So after the French got shut of it, the Spanish further down the road used yet another expert technique to get shut. There were four of them, so they formed a human chain and ran round to various areas in their garden whilst hanging onto each other. Risky that, they almost took each other down several times. Yet it worked.

All this defence of life and limb came to a sudden stop when an English lady down the bottom of the road recognised the ferret… Picked it up gently and informed us all it belonged to the Spanish couple, next house up to us! So everyone stood to attention out of respect, and on a personal basis we suddenly realised we’d been living next door to a ferret for months, and didn’t nerrit. To be fair, they’re a very nice family and aren’t here all the time, so it’s only on a temporary basis. The cat’s out of the bag now though…

However the story doesn’t end there,, the lady took it in, someone else provided a cardboard box, she did the kindest thing, put holes in the box, a cold wet blanket around it, and left a note on (next door’s) door. But then she had to go out…

And it escaped…

The owners came back from a day on the beach and realised the first successful escape took place through an open window. When they went down to the rescuers’ house, someone else had the keys to the gates – but the precious box was EMPTY… Yes, escape #2 had occurred…

A full scale search and rescue mission ensued, with people on foot looking through gates, someone else got their bike out, and others just stood in the road discussing the matter, including any further plans of action. Would’ve made a nice challenge for La Guardia that, even a police helicopter might’ve been deployed.

However, being as all was ultra peaceful and all ears were on alert status, someone heard a scratching noise… Two hours later, after two successful escape attempts, the ferret was found.

Champagne for everyone. I wonder if they keep it in a cage or whether it just wanders round the house? Either way it turned out to be a very nice friendly little fellow, never bitten anyone, and makes regular visits to English speaking lessons at school…

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