An Englishman An Irishman And A Scotsman

Went into a bar…

Everyone knows at least one joke with that as a first liner. I´ve heard a fair few in my lifetime, but can I remember any without Google? No.

So I cheated and found one that´s most appropriate, with reference to {yet another} bizarre experience we found ourselves in a couple of days ago. Except they aren´t in a bar and neither were we…


The Englishman and the Scotsman were abroad, so they phoned Interpol and sent a gorgeous parrot to their friend the Irishman. When they arrived home however, the Irishman opened the oven and produced the parrot well and truly roasted saying:

‘”Let’s have some lovely roast duck for dinner.”

“That isn’t a duck you fool,” they said to him. “It’s a parrot and it could speak seven different languages.”

“In that case,” said the Irishman. “Why didn’t it say something before I put it in the oven?”

Our own baffling scenario, it’s even complicated to write. Must be a truly mind boggling read, so bear with:

We, (two English people) were walking up the road the other day when we bumped into our (two Spanish friends) who live further on. They had two visitors with them (also Spanish) and a dog (also Spanish).

Our Spanish neighbours don´t speak any English, however, one of their other friends knew about as much English as we do Spanish. But we couldn´t understand his English because he talkedtoofast.

At the same time, the couple from the house next door arrived, new to the area, they were carrying the likes of furniture inside.

Our Spanish friends introduced us (in Spanish) to the newcomers. We greeted the newcomers in our bestest Spanish, and they replied (in Spanish). We thought about asking the Spanish guy who speaks as much English as we do Spanish, to translate. But being as he talkedtoofast, decided not to. 

Turns out the new lady is French, can speak Spanish fluently, but can´t speak any English. Meantime her husband is German, also speaks Spanish fluently, and some English. Yes!! At last! Understanding a German person speaking fluent English is easy! He could be our saviour in this “convoluted conversation.” But, as suspected, a German who speaks some English speaks it very slow with a fast stutter.

So, in an effort to translate, the (German guy) spoke his slow with fast stutter version of English, at the same time as the (Spanish guy) spoke his fast don´t stop for a breather version of English. Unsurprisingly we discovered it didn´t work. Conclusion: Someone FROM ANYWHERE with a medium amount of English might have sufficed…

Dammit, why the hell did the Irish man cook that bilingual parrot? {Should´ve gone to Specsavers} 

Our (Spanish friends) looked on in utter dismay, they obviously could not understand why we could not understand our own language when two different people were “speaking” it.

“Que? Es Ingles! Tu no comprende Ethra???” (Last word being my name spoken in Spanish). Everyone waits with baited breath………… “Um, err, well… erm, No…”

Fleeting thought: {This is either a setup or a rather strange dream} and why didn´t they ask Dave when they say David the same? So garner what bits and pieces you can,, guess (even English),, and laugh in all the right places…

After the hilarity of “partial comprende,” we walked on {exhausted} with (our Spanish friends) (Spanish dog) following us up the road. Which meant we had to have a conversation with the dog as well… “Ola Leo! Um, who´s a pretty boy then??”

As we arrived at the end of our road, the other Spanish couple we know were sat outside awaiting our arrival, they also have a (Spanish) dog, and all three of them don´t speak Ingles… I mean Englaiszze…

By the time we turned the corner we´d forgot where we were supposed to be going and why…

Well you can´t be rude and not speak to people and their pets can you?

Now don´t get me wrong, we´re quite used to “conversing” with our four Spanish neighbours and their two dogs (one per couple). But turn that into eight people, three dogs, and four different languages to cope with, afterwards, a nice lie down in a darkened room sounds appealing…  Might wake up being able to speak Japanese…

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