A Pain In The Bum


Without going into too much detail I recently discovered a cyst up my bum, it felt like a spike was in there (still does).

The free Spanish Healthcare System is renowned as being one of the best in the world, and it is. We´ve witnessed how quickly people get treated, and recover in a short space of time.

However, I´m not considered worthy of this wonderful system. Two reasons why:

a) I´m not working, so classed as retired early. TRUE.

b) Being as I´m 26 56 I´m not old enough. Well ok fair enough, I´m no cheat.

Consequently I have private healthcare cover, 900 smackeroony´s per year. Almost €3,500 paid so far, never needed to use it till now, and a simple cyst reveals systemic failure of my proceeds.

It would be inconceivable, nay laughable to consider the free NHS in the UK to be far superior than private healthcare. Yet it seems that the equivalent free healthcare system here definitely IS far superior.

This is the story of my private healthcare bum cyst, thanks to the private healthcare company called ASSA. Under the circumstances the name is most appropriate.

In the past week I´ve had to take me and my cyst all over Spain to be prodded, poked, and ASSA assessed.

1) Visit to an average private doctor who has a look, but can´t do anything about it.

2) Referred to a private specialist 2 days later. (Not bad eh?)

3) Referred to same specialist (different location) 3 days later for a camera up the ass assessment. He had a friend with him this time so it turned out two doctors were studying my bum on a screen. (Extremely efficient on several levels).

4) Referred to same specialist (without his friend) for cyst removal procedure at yet ANOTHER different location. Well, it´s not too bad if you´ve got a sat nav that recognises specific place dots on a map so…

Outcome in English: “We can´t do it because ASSA doesn´t cover this medical centre.” Bear in mind this place was a long drive away so we´d booked a hotel round the corner, €150 for one night with car parking… Seeing as I could still walk we made a night of it and explored the ASSA area, very pretty indeed. Couldn´t help wishing my own NOT pretty area had been explored and dealt with.

Now I await assessment by ASSA to see if MY ASS can be released of it´s unwanted visitor AT THE SAME PLACE. If it can´t, we start the whole process somewhere else with a different bum specialist. Yet another person (either with / without friend) to do an exploration where no-one has ever wandered before. Ouch.

I´m beginning to wonder if something´s got lost in translation and they´re making a TV series out of it.    

Oh the irony, the proper private HOSPITAL with an excellent reputation is less than 10 kilometres away, and I was informed by ASSA that if ever I needed ANY treatment to my ass or any other part of my body — that´s where I´d be sent to…

Consequently I have a theory, sometimes an average private doctor is in cahoots with a specialist in a MEDICAL CENTRE,, and all proceeds from ASSA for arses are shared between them. Just give the patient a guided tour of Spain with a stopover or two, and any ailments will disappear…

Meantime, while I await being summonsed or simply forgotten about, I´ve been debating whether to try this as a DIY replacement treatment, even got a nozzle on it the right shape.


Hey, and I paid for that too…

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