Cart before the horse

After six months of deliberation, we recently decided to up sticks and move further inland. A private villa with swimming pool and mountain views is what we´re looking for.

So our house has been up for sale a few weeks now, the photos of it online are beautiful, very appealing you might say. But if you´ve seen the gross photos in my previous post, it doesn´t have the same “wow factor” when it´s got a massive hole in a wall, warped kitchen cupboards and a couple of large bathroom tiles on a 45 degree angle.

When the water leak happened last week, I jokingly said “Someone´s going to want a viewing now…” Playing the role of estate agent I walked through the house as if showing someone round.

“Welcome to our home, looking good from outside eh?? Meanwhile, inside features include white and brown kitchen cupboards with doors that won´t close. Oh, check out the split coving up above, and either side of the fridge freezer where you can pick bits off and decorate appliances or build a model railway.”

“Now let´s go upstairs to the main bathroom, we recently heard that angled tiles are very popular at the moment.”

“Here´s the next set of stairs, ooh look, they´re marble just like the others! (Eyes down, no, wouldn´t work) So erm, if you look to the right, notice the wall with wonderful views of pipes, joints and an extra wall behind them.”

By this time I´m SUPPOSED to be saying there´s a mezzanine for storage to the left, and here´s the conservatory, (or solarium as they call them here) with patio doors opening out to the roof terrace and sea views. Wait for the “Oh wow!”

But under the circumstances, the horrors they would have to walk past first, well, the old gem “Running for the hills” comes to mind.

Unfortunately my acting skills must´ve put a curse on things, just TWO DAYS later we got a phone call from the estate agent, somebody wanted to view the house mess. Wait what? Oh shit.

There we were with three Belgians, plus the Brit estate agent, the whole experience couldn´t have been worse. The estate agent didn´t know Belgian, (hence couldn´t translate) they didn´t speak English. So there we were trying to explain water leak damage most of the time. Even extended balletic poise was required with ref to the wall and kitchen. This wasn´t just about conveying facial expressions, it also included sweeping body language relaying the extent of problems.

Then there was confirmation of how it was all insured and repairs begin next week. We had to keep emphasising that last bit, hence damage ended up being the main subject of incomprehensible conversation for about half an hour.

The dead give away was when we showed them the driveway and the garage, in ENGLISH I heard “Oh I like your car.” Dead giveaway, they were supposed to be LIKING THE HOUSE, and since when did she speak English?

We should hear back from the estate agent tomorrow, but as you can imagine we haven´t built our hopes up. Who in their right mind would buy a house with repairs ongoing? If they put in a cheeky offer they can bugger off, we´re in no rush to move.

Will have to save this for, well, whenever.


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