About Farts

During the past however many months of quarantine we´re at, farts have become a major source of humour within this household. We´ve even got a competition going on, including names for each variety.

From 10 up to 1 ? Here´s what we´ve shared and learned:

  • Pip farts are fairly quiet and last for about a second, they really aren´t important at all. Often confused with a flip flop on hot tiles dancing the twist while you fall off them.
  • The extended version of a pip fart lasts for about two seconds. It verges on being heard by others, but can still be likened to something else, or even remain undercover.
  • Now we turn to the true fart that can´t be hidden even though it´s a baby one.
  • The double fart has a distinct gap between the two. This is known as the social distancing version.
  • The triple fart has two different categories, timing and skill are assets to be respected when an optional issue presents itself.
  • The quad fart is in a league of it´s own, a toss up between a modicum of control, no control, or a quartet.
  • The silent fart, this one can be saved up for release at any time, stored up in the bunker on pause, it´s your decision when to set it free, and who to sit next to at the time. Also known as the stink fart.
  • The bubble fart can be contained within underwear for quite some time. After relieving releasing itself, escaping down the leg seems to be it´s preferred route.
  • The stand up or sit down fart speaks for itself.
  • The hot fart, you know it´s going to burn both cheeks, the end result is a variation of the stink fart.
  • The wee fart takes the piss out of having a piss, the flow stops while an invisible banger hits the bowl.
  • The full on blast off fart, totally free of suppression. Length of time varies, but it always lingers in the air for a while afterwards.
  • Finally, the follow through experience hasn´t happened, so that´s something to be grateful for.

I have to admit to being slightly jealous of hubby and son, they can let rip anytime, keep a straight face and carry on as if nothing´s happened. I can´t do that, the situation turns into one of those “you´re not supposed to laugh” moments which just makes it hilarious. Fun facts about farts, is this what life´s come to?

While on the subject of you´re not supposed to laugh moments, I learned at a young age how not to be able to deal with them. My dad was and still is a joker, so you´d think I was immune. Alas No. So here´s the story of the most profound uncontrollable laughter situation I can remember.

We were on holiday, my mum and dad took me and sis to church. It was very small with a congregation of five people, then four of us walked in. To set the scene, imagine a saloon in an old cowboy movie where everyone stares ominously at strangers.

So we sat down and waited for the vicar to make his grand entrance, all seemed normal till he began to speak.. Turned out he had dancing eyebrows that went up and down on an individual basis with every word he said, sometimes one of them lasted for two words without moving down from on high.

It was my sister and me that broke first, age 10 and 5, Thunderbirds had nothing on this. But the real tipping point was when we noticed our mum and dad trying to stifle laughter, I mean they both ended up looking away towards us two in an effort to stay serious while wearing cheesy grins. My dad, the joker had been out joked, or had he? While looking at us two sideways on, he was moving is eyebrows up and down. I won´t even mention that he was also crossing his eyes, ok I just did. All this in a holy house of worship..

I´d never seen anything like that before, or since. This was the ULTIMATE you´re not supposed to laugh situation.

Anyway, moving on to the very boring situation of the here and now, where farts within the family are the only human interaction outside of Wi-Fi. We´ve just been slapped with another two weeks of emergency lockdown. Apparently “some more” rules will be relaxed during this time, one of them being thunderstorms and rain are allowed to happen. We´ve got a huge storm going over us headed out to sea right now. Hey,, thunder farts with follow through…

Ugh, not used to this, the canopy is out a bit to protect us from the sun. Well HA to that.


It´s still 25 degrees C…

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