Humour

A blog post from the toilet

Makes me wonder if anyone has ever composed a blog post title like that before. Ah well, there´s a first time for everything.

Note, for anyone of a delicate disposition please do not continue reading any further.  

Over the past couple of days I´ve become best friends with the toilet bowl. A brief, (excuse pun) amount of time spent with my ass on fire while pondering about life as we know it, knew it, wandering into the abyss of the unverified.

NO, IT WAS NOT CORONAVIRUS, I think the phrase COLON VIRUS would be more appropriate. Something I ate devastated the inner workings of inner peace. So I did a track and trace on the situation.    

Word to the unwise like me. During these uncertain times, it´s not a good idea to eat nibbles brought outside to you while sat on the terrace at the local pub. I ate two slices of cheese, no-one else did, lesson learned, verification doesn´t provide satisfaction.

Best friends:

Sadly a Toilet Duck only cures the toilet.

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Well everyone has to cope with it sometimes, perhaps I feel the need to share this info because having the shits is a rarity for me. Husband and son aren´t interested beyond “Ugh, do you have to go again?” I haven´t been out to discuss the trauma with any other humans yet.

Might not be a good idea to walk in the pub, stand on a chair and announce “I´ve got diarrhoea, and I got it from here.” The owners are best friends in real life, not Brits, not Spanish either, hence we have some very interesting conversations, no really we do, one part English, one part Spanish, one part their own language. They wouldn´t know what diarrhoea is though, that one would have to be sign language.

Perhaps this is why the queen always wears gloves, I wonder if she takes them off at banquets so she can hold a knife and fork, or is she spoon fed?  Makes no odds if there´s a germ in her soup, even she must have to sit on the golden throne for hours on end (with personal medic and cleaning maid sat outside). Said the general to the chief “you´re on duty today.”

Seriously though, could this be likened to one of the ways coronavirus can be transmitted? Nibbles delivered by one person not wearing a mask from behind a bar, to customers sat outside also not wearing one. Don´t judge, outside on the terrace is ok (for now).

I´ve mentioned in the past, we all have to wear masks inside every establishment, yet pubs appear to be immune even though they aren´t. Restrictions still apply if you go inside for a pee, but when staff don´t care, customers don´t.

A couple of weeks ago, restrictions increased and we all have to wear a mask EVERYWHERE outside of home, if caught without doing so, it´s a 50 euro fine on the spot. ALL nightclubs have had to close, meantime the police have been busy warning pubs about capacity restrictions, hourly restrictions, and closing some down. Someone told us the list of which ones have gone. Just three kilometres away we know them all, been open for business since way before we moved here. Oh and any kind of music or entertainment is also banned.

Welcome to the Costa Blanca!! In 2015? Ah yes, the before times, when we all knew the date and time.  

Wearing a mask in a hot country is a nightmare, I totally agree with preventative measures, but try wearing one when it´s this hot in the shade, which means 40C in full sun. Believe me, it´s like trying to breathe through a blanket that´s just come out of the oven.

IMG_20200711_193851_300

In other news.

Boris Buffoon Johnson has just introduced two weeks quarantine for anyone arriving there from Spain. Bit controversial when the total UK number of cases is just 25,000 less than here, and their total death rate is far, far higher?

Figures yesterday:

Total cases: Spain 325.000+ UK 300.000+

Total deaths: Spain 28.000+ UK 45,000+

So this is all about daily number of cases zooming up right? Well here´s the thing, Germany has advised it´s citizens on which areas of Spain are safe to visit, many places people can go to on holiday without worrying. Like here for example.  

A Brit politician on the news said what an absolute shambles this decision was. Not enough time to plan, not enough debate, no thought about future implications, carried out on impulse, no notice given. So Dear Boris I have a few questions.

  1. How are you going to police two weeks isolation?
  2. The airline industry is already crippled, are you willing to bail out even more financial support to them?
  3. How are flailing businesses going to cope with an employee going on holiday for two weeks, and being away from work for four?
  4. Do you not think this move will put people off going to the UK from other countries, too much uncertainty without ANY notice?
  5. Amidst the handful of holidaymakers (from anywhere) who actually made it here, the few Brits left are currently stranded with their flights cancelled. In addition to that, they only found out about the two weeks self quarantine while they were here. So how are you going to sort out the massive pickle you´ve put them in?
  6. Are you going to refund / compensate your citizens and businesses?

Well that´s it for today, I think we´ve gone from down the toilet and into the sewer.

2 thoughts on “A blog post from the toilet

    1. Hi Dan,
      Thank you for the compliments, so kind of you to share your thoughts, I genuinely appreciate it!
      Was supposed to be cleaning the tiles (again) today, but gave up when the mop fell apart. Who cares if there´s a collection of dead spiders in the corner, it´s not like there´s an inspector coming round for tea and biscuits.

      Stay safe,

      H

      Like

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