Garden · Humour

Charlie the cactus

In these difficult times, it´s important to have something to do. So I planted a cactus in a pot and sat it on the drive because it was an exciting experiment. Apparently it´s a good thing to keep exciting experiments going on when you can´t go anywhere, I highly recommend the therapeutic value involved whatever the outcome.

I´ll get to the point before we all forget there was one.  A cactus with spiky things is supposed to flourish in a desert right? There´s millions of them live here quite happily without any help, why not test the theory? All Charlie had to cope with was morning sun.

After a week or so he still had a cheery demeaner, but another week later all his spikes decided they´d had enough and fell off. By this time I knew there was no chance of reincarnation, my non effort had failed. However, In this particular case one experiment led to another, it was a fascinating situation. What would happen next? Simple, he turned to stone, you could´ve thrown him a few metres in jest, and knocked a passer by to the floor.

Basically he went from being a deadly weapon to, erm, being a deadly weapon.  

So Charlie had his chance and fluffed it, snuffed it. No need to feel guilty or remorseful about the situation. he´s in the plant section of heaven now. At two euros a pot, “Charlie 2” would be a great success story, except for the fact that the Casa Sangria garden plantation is currently at full capacity.

Here´s the plant nursery, baby cuttings with plenty of loving care and conversation required, the likes of “now come on, behave yourself else you´re going in the bin.” Hey look, it works..

Mint grown from stalks with no roots.

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Donation from a neighbour, they thought it was dead from heat exhaustion, so I took a cutting and Bingo. No idea what it is but never mind.

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This one had a weird problem, it would only grow across half the pot. So I re-potted the whole thing and spread it out, you can see how thankful it is.

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We got rid of a massive rubber plant yesterday, most of it´s leaves had gone yellow and it wasn´t worth faffing about with. So I planted three stalks with little ones at the base, could end up with three for the price of one we don´t particularly want.

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This deserves a mention, jasmine, just week one away from the garden centre and still establishing itself. Better had too, cost me 14 euros.

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And finally, in total contrast, we have the silent but deadly THING.  

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Evil looking prick ain´t it? I should know, once walked past it and caught my arm on the tip of a “prong.” Fun fact, each one is poisonous, a deep red scratch covered in white goo appeared. Ouch. Cleaned up the wound and a week later it turned blue and red. In conclusion it may look ugly, but creates a lot of colour.    

Personally I think it should be cordoned off with crime scene tape, or maybe a brick wall. Try carrying that to the recycle bin without hiring a tractor. 

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The question has to be asked, what the heck does it feel the need to repel so drastically? Oh wait, it could be the prototype for a new weapon of war, blast thousands of them at the enemy and we can all get back to not normal life. You know, the little things like a deadly pandemic with no cure in sight, financial crisis, people kicked out of their homes, failing businesses, aeroplanes parked up on the ground, closed borders, global warming causing extreme fires and floods, world leaders unable to cope, overburdened hospitals, self isolation, desperation, people out on the streets protesting, right wing extremists causing chaos, general fear of going out, and a mask war. Oh and a Netflix overdose.      

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Another question, why is there such a weapon sat on our front terrace?

Yet another question, what´s any of this got to do with Charlie the cactus?

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